It was a particularly difficult year when my middle son and I were working together in Africa. The ministry was phenomenal, but personally we were being beaten into the ground. The finances were tight, but they were always tight. We’ve never had more than 12% of our work funded by outside contributors, but this time was worse. We were down to a diet of bananas, eggs, and bread… and sometimes we didn’t have the bananas or eggs. During an outreach is South Africa, we were carjacked at gunpoint while leaving a tent service… an exciting experience. Probably the worst of it was when we left South Africa to minister in Zambia for a month. We returned to find that everything we left in the house had been stolen. I sent my son home after that.
I’m not sure what prompted the question, but it was in the context of this personal trial that my son asked me what it means to be a man. It was a question that demanded more than just a quick answer. So, after he arrived home I sent both my boys (16 and 19 at the time) an email with the following letter:
Dear Son,
You asked me what it means to be a man. It was probably the most necessary and the most difficult question you could have asked, and yet I felt I needed more time than I had to answer so I decided to try to write this for you.
Every male that comes into manhood will determine what kind of man he will be. The passing of time will make you an adult, but the choices you make will determine what manner of man you will be.
Being a man means coming into your own uniqueness and self-determination. Up to the point of manhood the son is viewed as an extension of the father. You are Kent Cason’s son. Whatever people think of me is projected to you and whatever you do reflects on me. Too often the sons of great men are stifled because they are never recognized as being a unique person. They are always judged as “the son of.” They are always a seen in the shadow of their father. You will not have that problem. It is crucial that your mother and I accept your uniqueness, and encourage you to grow into it. It is important that you know now that, whatever else, I see the man you are becoming and I am proud that you are my son.
Throughout your life you have been taught lessons of manhood. Some have been deliberate on my part and others, good and bad, you have gained by observation. When you were young you looked to me and, for the greatest part, I have been your definition of what it means to be a man. Coming into your uniqueness does not mean independence in the sense of total separation from. In some measure there is a part of me that is in you just as attributes of my father are in me. At the same time you are not me nor are you an extension of me. You are a unique person with abundant gifts and abilities, and a destiny all your own. Becoming a man is the process by which you step into that uniqueness. You become separate in identity and purpose. Becoming a man is anchored in the will. You are no longer bound to your parents’ expectations. You determine the course of your life – your goals, your dreams, your desires, your aspirations.
Becoming a man is the point at which desire rises, motivating you to strive toward an ideal. There is a spark within a man that wants to do something great in the world – to leave a mark, to live on beyond his years. You want to conquer the world and be the best whatever. No man ever starts out settling for mediocrity. Guard your dreams closely.
Society confers upon the man certain rights. As a man you have the right to enter into a binding contract, to get married and be the head of your own family. You have the right of ownership and the right to pursue the desires of your heart. You have the right to be heard in matters of government. You have the right to determine the course of your life and to make your own career choices.
A good man recognizes that, although he is self-determined, he is also part of a community and as such he has certain responsibilities to that community. The first responsibility is to be a man of integrity. Integrity means that there is no falseness. It means being honest with yourself and with the world around you. It means being faithful. It means being a man of honor and truth even when it is not the expedient thing to do. It will not always be easy to be a man of integrity, but I know you will rise to the occasion.
A good man does not live for himself alone. He recognizes his responsibility to his family, to his wife and children, to provide for them, to protect them, to nurture them. He will sacrifice himself, even to the point of giving his life, for them. You will constantly be challenged to measure your wants and needs against those of your family.
A good man understands his responsibility to his fellow man – to treat him with decency, honesty and respect. A good man does not lie and cheat to get what he wants. He does not use people for his own gain.
A great man sees a purpose beyond himself and hears a calling to fulfill that purpose. He sees that there is more to life than working a job to get a paycheck to do for himself. There is a high cost to greatness. It requires sacrifice. This man is willing to set aside his rights in order to achieve that higher goal. He is willing to give altruistically of himself, of his time, and of his resources. Don’t be deceived by the job description. There are men who work seemingly selfless jobs for selfish motives. Greatness does not always mean power or notoriety and it rarely brings wealth in terms of financial gain.
Being God’s man is the highest calling of all. Being God’s man means to take all that makes you a man and lay it at His feet, to submit your life to Him. How can there be anyone more manly than God? Didn’t He create the very idea of man? In submitting yourself to Him you take on His attributes, His character. All of the failures of your father and the frailties of man are overcome in His presence.
Being God’s man means saying, “not my will, but Yours.” It means finding your purpose in Him. It does not necessarily mean that you become a minister in the sense of devoting your life to the church. It does mean that you become a minister in its truest definition – a servant. In serving God you will truly serve your wife and family and you will serve your world. Don’t be afraid of the word “servant.” There is strength and honor and courage in being God’s man.
I see in you a champion, a mighty man of faith and valor. Live boldly, my son, and be God’s man.
As for me, I am not the man that I would have hoped to be. I feel the sting of my many failures. If history considers me at all it will judge my actions, but God is the discerner of the heart. I am too often distracted by trivialities and too easily overcome by selfish ambition. Worst of all, my family has unwillingly had to bear the cost of my dreams.
I pray for you God’s greatest blessings as you face the challenges of manhood.
With all my heart,
Dad